Love and Hate
I was young when President Ronnie was in office. Reading the NY Times forum today makes clear why are country is so divided. Not even 'regular' Americans can put aside political differences. There is no listening therefore there is no communicating. Posts vary from how great he was to what a horrible bastard he was, which is fine but the guy is dead. He has a wife, he has kids, and the thing that stands out most to me is the love that he and the "just say no" lady shared. That's pretty amazing. But in our callous society we choose to degrade a dead man. Ah Freedom of Speech.
Fuck the Republicans, and you know what Fuck the Democrats too, we all know deep down that they're both no good. Ronnie was-pro rich they scream, GW is only concerned with the big business guys, hey I know let's vote for John Kerry-Heinz. Boy, we're brilliant.

Admire
I'm always self-conscious around people I admire, and I unfortunately don't hide it well. Because. Because I don't want them not to like me. I need to get a grip. But true. End up having boring conversations and not letting out the true colors because I want that admired one to like me...and think I'm cool. I'm cool damn it. I'm cool. Really. I think I'm cool. Seriously. I am. Cool.

What the hell is going on?
Hmm? I'm a derelict, maybe I don't know. I couldn't sleep last night. Anxiety? Loneliness? Don't much care the reason, know it happens. All the thoughts racing forward then I try to trace them back. I'm sick of wasting my life away. So what do I do, start to write a blog. Fucking Brilliant.
Weird specimans. I know to change behavior is key. But do I? No. Each day consists of morning outdoor walk with dog, good hour or two. Then home, maybe eat something, internet, probably masterbate or get high, or both, til I get hungry, then if I have something to do at night I do it, if not tv or netflix. Then more internet, often more masturbating or getting high or both Everyday. Even, let's say, Tuesday? Every day. Saturday? I have no weekend, it's all the same to me. And here I thought not working would be so great. Such crap. I have a main goal, I know what I want, I think, maybe, yeah I do. But whoa anxious. Huh. Weird thing, because I know what's going on and I don't stop it. But I do then I give up. And then stopping the anxiety creates anxiety about stopping then not stopping. Music, weed, food, masturbation cure anxiety temporarily. Hardcore aerobic, meditation: good ways to cure anxiety. But who has time?